Thanks everyone for your words of support. My IOP program did approve me to go back to work. I just started with a brand new pdoc. I don’t know how helpful she will be. Right now I have no anxiety medication. I do not see pdoc again until March 6. Since she works with a lot of substance abuse patients, I know I cannot ask her outright for a benzo (klonopin helps me ususally). I can only highlight my distress and see what she suggests, if anything. But That is a month away.

I do have a therapist that I have an excellent relationship with. I will see her tomorrow. I’m hoping she will give me more skills to use. I like the idea of a short mindfulness meditation. I eat pretty fast so I can do one on my lunch break. I’m just not sure where I would do it as I don’t have a classroom or even an office or desk for myself. I have in the past just sat in the bathroom though to get away from it. That’s actually kind of my go to.

I cannot continue to be so stressed out. I almost lost it with my son several times. He takes a lot of patience as it is and if my patience is already frayed I will not be able to treat home with the kindness he deserves from his mother. I cannot do that to him.

I really don’t have any other options. My leave was unpaid as my district does not offer short term disability through the state. I used all my savings, hence why I had to return. I was hoping for a larger tax return but the tax laws have changed and I am unable to file as a qualifying widow anymore.

I already can’t breathe thinking about tomorrow. Going to take a hot shower after my son goes to bed. Now I’m also worrying about him as he’s stuffed up and coughing. No fever yet but I’m afraid it will be the flu which is absolutely brutal this year. The anxiety extends to every facet of my life. This morning my mom didn’t text me back for over 45 minutes and I was convinced she had died in her sleep and my son was there with her alone without access to a phone.