I kind of came away from today with the message of “I annoy you all the time,” and it’s making me feel I’ve screwed up and lost you and all of the d-word safety you made me feel before. It feels like forever since I heard like genuine, unprompted reassurance and comfort from you, and I’m embarrassed at how badly I want it. But also, it hurts. I’m left wondering if you really even want me to come back.

I don’t think I can handle anger and annoyance being the primary message you are getting from me. Because the primary message I’ve been trying to send is that I need you and want your comfort and reassurance. And that I’ll do basically anything to be good. Good enough for you to care about. Good enough for you to want me around. Good enough for you to wish you were my dad.