What I believe about death is that there's nothing after. Just... nothing. And I've become really desperate for nothing. Nothing means no more loop.

I agree that dulling everything is too temporary. I'm suppose to be starting a new medication soon along with my already existing ones. It's meant to help the depression. I had to go off of Bupropion because it increased my psychotic symptoms.

There's so much happening around me, too. Things that I can barely think about without having a mild breakdown. So, taking care of these things seems next to impossible. No one around me can understand this and they're very impatient with me. I just can't handle the extra stress. I feel so useless and like a POS.

I've also grown even more isolated, which I know is bad, but I'm doing it for a reason. Even as I write it, I feel like a terrible person. I see myself planning and preparing and I just can't stop it. I can't stop obsessing over it, either. And I don't know why.