I have a bag packed, getting food together, I am ready to just leave my family. I have gotten upset and overwhelmed today, both earlier today and this evening. My husband spends so much time in our room listening to music, i’m sure he’s just tired of dealing with me. I don’t know what has been wrong with me. I let something like the printer not working to print out pictures for my daughter send me into a psychotic break. I don’t even exactly remember much, other than I was shaking and trying not to talk to anyone, for fear of blowing up with anger. I already got overwhelmed and depressed earlier while dealing with a lot of issues involving bills.

I just cannot take this, I have to leave. I am depressed because the one person I thought I could go to, who I knew would accept me back, was not interested in me staying with him. Because of the situation when we met, when I was manic, it would not have been good, but he had a connection to me and I thought I could exploit it. Didn’t work, because now he was looking for something deeper than I could provide. A committed relationship, and he knew he couldn’t get it from me, didn’t want to be responsible for breaking up my marriage. And that depressed me. I don’t care that much about him, but tried to convince him I did. I feel terrible, but I just wanted somewhere to go.

I would leave, but we only have one car, and I feel guilty about leaving my husband and kids without a car. That is the ONLY reason I hesitate leaving, if our SUV was running, I would not hesitate walking out that door! Bad, I know. I did decide I would drive to Duke Regional Hospital, an hour and a half away, only because my new patient appointment is at Duke next Wednesday. I just don’t think I can wait that long. And I WILL NOT go back to the useless hospital here.

I’m a bit better now. But still shaking, I feel paranoid, and like I am seeing things. Still crying. But tired. I need to sleep, I will sleep. I just don’t know what to do after my nap. I’m so frustrated. I want to leave. But I feel guilty about the car. But I’m annoyed about feeling bad about the car. I’m tired of worrying about everyone else, i just want to be alone.

I’ll figure something out after my nap. I don’t sleep very well, so I know I’ll be up in time to leave if needed. I’m just so torn.