Hi I have a question and some input/advice would be appreciated. I know no one can dx me here, but should I dismiss my memory below and worry? (I know only I can answer that).

First, I'm not sure about asking my mother about this because we don't have a healthy relationship and I may get triggered with taking with her; and there's a high chance that she'll say she doesn't remember to avoid any "blame". (It's how she is and I'm debating). So I'll appreciate as much as I can with suggestions of "ask her".

I'll talk to t to again but she really is focusing on another area of my life right now.

I'm in therapy right now for ptsd, and borderline traits, I've been diagnosed with bipolar 2 (with rapid cycling).

I had a "bad day" in May 2017. I was afraid while in the hospital and wasn't fully honest; the day after I got out I ended making an emergency appointment in to the local mental health office.
I rambled so much and tried to give them as much information, as I want to get better and stop living in chaos.
I mentioned bipolar runs in my family.
They placed me with my current t (which is a great fit for me and helping with the ptsd) and on the notes, t mentioned to rule out borderline was written by the evaluating doctor during intake (the day I rambled).


I've accepted the PTSD dx as I do have many aspects of the diagnose. I have memories and triggers related from today that go back to the past; and I'm having issues regulating that but an working on it.

Bipolar, I've questioned but also have said to myself maybe I am.. I feel like I rapid cycle and have mixed states at times and when I mention this to professionals they agree.. I'm a ping pong ball sometimes, then I'm fine after a few weeks; but I have issues seeing my cycles all the time.
I hate the self tests they make me take because so much is on perception and what I've been told of my family history (meaning my perception may be a bit bias, right?).

I relate to borderline with quite a few traits, like sense of self issues, abandonment issues, sometimes ; and sometimes I feel the bpd bleeds into bipolar for me.

While doing trauma therapy I've had various other memories that I forgot pop up.

I mentioned this to one of the pdoc, maybe a little triggering because it's invalidating:

When I was young, in elementary school, my dad told me that he thought ADD/ADHD was not a real mental problem and that more discipline was needed, that just needed to try harder.
*This has stuck with me, as I just need to try harder in everything to be better or like others. I've used it as a beat up on myself.

Recently
I also recall that after I was put in reading and speach classes I went to another "school or somewhere" and they did tests.
My hearing was fine, my mom made a stinging comment that I must just had selective hearing or just paid attention to what I wanted to.

I've been torturing myself in the now, with why would my dad tell me that add/ADHD was not a real dx at an age I didn't know what it was even. And tell me that I just needed to try harder?..
And trying to connect the dots... Was I diagnosed this and it was ignored (along with so much more issues as they did).

I asked the pdoc about add/ADHD being a possibility, but it was dismissed in a way because I'm always on time and a hard worker at work; and bipolar runs in my family, and bipolar gene can be activated due to trauma like I had as a child.

I mentioned this once to t, T agreed to the possibility but mentions that I'm on time for appointments all the time-- I always set two calendar reminders , one on my work and personal, if I didn't if forget a few sessions, and I want to be good in therapy. (I've told t about wanting to be a good patient which makes me tear up because it makes no sense to me right now).
Work had been forgiving as I make up my time by staying late and getting all my work done.

T has mentioned a few times that she's not convinced that I have bipolar; but two sessions ago she reminded me about Marijuana causing mania and to be carful (that's another discussing if we can leave it for now).
I don't feel like I've been manic since last smoking, but yet I am up unable to sleep because my brain won't shut off with this right now.
I've told pdoc about my sleep issues, anxiety and spaced out times too.

I've been reading that ADHD is often times missed in girls because it isn't sheets seen as disruptive. Also that sometimes misdiagnosed as PTSD or as bipolar or even anxiety with depression (I've had all these lables on me at one time or another). I've also read a small percent of people have both bipolar and ADHD.

My mom used to always praise me for being the one child that put away their toys and kept my room clean.. as an adult I'm struggling many times to stay clean, and other times I clean up everything just for it to be a new again (this is one aspect that may not be all me and why I want to live alone for a little bit). In school and even as an adult I'm the helper.

I feel like sometimes I don't get stuff (like I'm dumb and stupid) when talked to because things aren't connecting and it's like my brain shuts down; but yet I'm smart and can eventually understand things.
I have terrible reading ideas too sometimes and other times it goes together.

I have issues reading and always have, save with taking.

I have trouble thinking sometimes when there's too much going on, I can get agitated in these moments.
Racing thoughts which is bipolar, and me jumping from one subject to another with others not following I'm told it's bipolar.... But did anyone with ADHD do this too?

I've felt for a very long time, I have to try 110% harder than others, especially men that have similar issues to me-- that may be just my abuse and anger taking though?

I've felt like I've worn a mask most of my life and at 31 I'm starting to take it off because I'm finding adults my age or older that have struggles... But masks feeling relates to many.
A few friends, keep saying, I put too much blame in me for everything.

I'm very confused, in the end I just want to get better but not be treated for something that isn't the problem. The last time I took bipolar meds my paranoia got so much worse, and as I'm getting older- I'm not sure I can afford that; but yet I know I can't afford to ignore my issues either.


I feel like because bipolar runs in my family and that because I have some elevated times (happy, self confident, maybe a bit egotistical, I can do anything and a genius) and that I feel like I rapid cycle have mixed states... I sometimes wonder if I should go see an ADHD pdoc and tell them of what I relate to with this and have out the bipolar talk till later... Because it's like I was branded that, and I realize that many people with bipolar go through times that they don't think they have a problem. Perhaps that's me...

I wish there was physical tests for everything that could be done to help get the right treatments, and no more misdiagnosed for anyone; because this hell for me to know- know deep inside that I need help with something but due to how things are I'm very scared to trust and must be convinced that this or that is the problem.

My apologies if this is a lot, thanks for letting me ramble.