Quote:
Originally Posted by hopealwayz
Hey-
OK, Let me do this for you, I will leave it totally up to you whether not you want to stay in therapy. I feel it is my responsibility to explain my job: I have to work on things with you while we are in session so that you can get better.
That is basically my job. Now things that are not my job:
To care about you as a friend, to love you, to be your emergency contact, to be available by phone whenever you need me, to respond immediately to every email you send, to prove to you that I am not angry or that I care or that I am feeling anything.
Perhaps we need a fresh start and just begin again. That said, I have to let you go if you question my motives, question whether or not I care, question whether or not I’m doing my job, threaten suicide, or call me.
If you want to email me occasionally between sessions and tell me about your dad or ask a question about how you can handle a certain situation that will be fine. I am happy to help with things going on in your world. I cannot, however, be pulled into every patient’s world myself.
I hope this makes sense and I hope you understand and I hope you make good choices! It is totally up to you-
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Hope, I understand why this e-mail feels painful--I'd feel the same way. Anytime a T tries to tighten or enforce boundaries, it can hurt, because it makes the reality of the T-client relationship more glaring. I've been through this boundary tightening/changing with both my ex-T and marriage counselor, so I understand (it was especially painful with MC because of the transference).
My current T, who I've been seeing for 5 months, has fairly strong boundaries around outside contact (charges for e-mails over certain length, only uses text for scheduling, won't take phone calls/otherwise respond to contact after 10 p.m. at night) which at first I resented. But now, I realize that it's actually helping me. Yes, when I've been in a really bad place, I've used the e-mail option a few times (and paid the charge--and he wrote a lengthy response in each case that was worthy of it). And I've taken him up on the offer of an extra session a couple times (texting him to request). But I don't feel nearly as dependent on him as I became on MC. Is there some attachment? Sure. Do I often wish I could reach out to him more? Yes. But I also think about some of the pain and distress I would feel when MC sometimes took a couple days to respond to an e-mail/text--and then didn't respond in the way that I'd hoped he would. Or when I interpreted his response in a more negative light than he'd intended because it was over text/e-mail.
So, for me, with current T, this attachment feels much healthier and also is forcing me to find other ways of coping. Do I sometimes cope poorly? Yes. (But I also did that back when I had more ex-T/MC contact.) I also feel "safer" in a way because the boundaries are clear (unlike MC's, which were unclear and often shifting). I suggest you try to work things out with this T and adhere to his boundaries. Talk to him next session about coping mechanisms, what you can do instead of reaching out to him when you're upset. Maybe even a list, like, "Try this--if that doesn't work, then try this." With last resort e-mailing T.
When do you see T again? I hope you can make it work for you.
