I feel as though I have just had the most important session with R ever. We began by discussing the physical disconnection and R asked whether there was part of me that felt angry because I ‘should have noticed it sooner’.
I acknowledged that it couldn’t get any more obvious with an ear problem… And yet when every fibre of my being is saying ‘Go and lie down –it will make your ear feel better’ there is part of me that really doesn’t want to because of what happens when I lie down at night.
‘I need three words from you.’
‘Three words?’
‘You’re safe, Lost. The phrase is rattling around my head at 100 miles an hour.’
‘Lost, you are safe. A phrase? The phrase?’
‘She called me into the bathroom… She called me into the bathroom to help with something and then collapsed.’
‘It sounds stupid, but I want to go there in this space because I know that tonight it will happen again and I never wanted to become resigned to it.’
‘Stupid? It sounds exhausting.’
‘I’m finding it difficult to even say the words today.’
‘And I can really sense that you want to say them.’
‘It is hard to be here and there, reliving and reporting on what I am experiencing.’

‘When you are in that space, I feel a little bit left behind – not that I am about to say ‘You need to look at me when you are talking about this.’ It’s your process, and you are doing what you need to do. Can you help me understand what it was like for you when you first got the message?’

‘When I first got the message, it was the sensation of being doused in cold water, then nothing for a very long time. Now it is a complete emotional experience…only it isn’t because I am too much of a coward to actually go there and feel it.’
‘By “feel it”, are you talking about crying?’
‘Yes, I have been thinking about the work that we did towards the end of last year…’
‘Are you talking about the last session before Christmas? We held hands for a long time then, and I came away from it feeling really connected. As a therapist, it is about knowing when it is appropriate to offer that, and between us recognising ‘I don’t need that right now’, or that doesn’t feel good.’
‘I think the biggest difficulty is that I feel alone with it, and I think that will help.’
‘And from my perspective, you’re taking me with you. I felt that connection too.’