It seems to me that this is an attachment issue, ambivalently attached - full of the longing to be nurtured, understood and emotionally held while fearing rejection and abandonment. So any disruption in the relationship sets off all the warning bells, the attachment thread stretches or breaks and you feel alone. And you hate alone, hence you hate him.

It isn't a cycle that has to go on forever. Look at the length of time you are able to sustain the connection now or the shortening time that you hate him. What you wrote shows how much you can now reflect on this pattern and see it when it happens. In reading your posts, I can see that there is usually a preoccupation with the relationship but when he becomes a ghost to you, is that because you've stopped thinking about him so much (to busy with life?) or because you can't feel his caring sustaining you? Or is it too hard to be mad at someone you care about so you have to not care about them?

And ask yourself what do you really hate? Most of us hate that we can't feel so cared for and safe every day, all the time. An hour a week isn't enough! But it is enough to give us a taste of what we really, really want. And that is just so hard. In some ways, I hate therapy because it highlights what I don't have IRL.

I'm rambling tonight. I hope this isn't too many questions. I'm sorry you are hurting.