I did tell my t! I don't feel better about it.
He was floored. I have had a long time to practice hiding it. Of course he had no idea. I still couldn't say it out loud. I gave it to him written on a receipt. I still feel nervous and the anxiety would be about a 9. He asked the SI question and I answered honestly but I told him I'm not going to do it. He was very encouraging yet still scheduled me for next week. I feel like hell. I'm probably going to sleep in my truck after this unless I decide to go for coffee. I don't want to look at anyone right now and a waiting room of 4 patients is an easy place to make that happen.
I see my pdoc next. I'm going to ask for a prn but probably won't get one. I'm also going to ask if my meds can be adjusted to make my moods less extreme. I think the latter is both more likely and the best course.