To update:

I ended up telling my husband about how I planned to leave and take a train to the hospital. He was kinda ok with it, although he did say he would have been really upset if I had left and not told him. I debated the train thing, because our car badly needs a front wheel alignment, and I know that can mess up the tires, especially on the high speeds of the highway. But I asked if he would take me because, and I was completely honest with him, I can’t really guarantee I’d actually go to the hospital when I arrived in Durham. That’s all I said to him. And it is completely true. After a couple of hours on the train, I know it would relax me, I’d arrive thinking I was just fine, and see this as my escape to disappear. Have no idea what I’d do, but lately I don’t care what happens to me, I’d figure something out. Fortunately I had enough clarity of thought to realize this and ask him to drive me, even though I was terrified of him driving this car.

I was anxious and paranoid as hell in that car, and finally asked my husband to turn around and go back home, I didn’t like the way it felt. He refused and kept driving. Sure enough, about 35 minutes into our journey, one of the tires blew out. AAA came and put on a spare, but thought it wouldn’t be safe driving it back home on a 70 mph highway, when the spare was only good up to 50 mph. So he gave us the name of some used tire places in the area. The one we found only had a new tire. Ok, fine. But I asked if they would do a wheel alignment too, because I was terrified of being in the car again with it shaking the way it was. So they did it, we drove the car back home and my husband said it drove SO much better. Unfortunately, even with the good deal, it drained half of the money we had left for the next two and a half weeks . But worth it, I hope, for the peace of mind.

After all that I never made it to the hospital. But I don’t feel quite as in crisis mode as I was before either. I don’t feel “well”, but I’m hoping if I have a breakdown, it can wait until I see the psychiatrist at Duke next Wednesday. My husband asked, how can you schedule a breakdown? I said, the breakdown part is easy, I am always at the verge of a breakdown. The hard part is trying to pretend like I am ok. If I let all my feelings out, let my thoughts consume me, I WILL breakdown. I just don’t know if I’ll be able to hang on until Wednesday. I very well may need to go to the hospital before then, probably will, I’ll just have to see. But at least now the car is fixed, so I will be much less anxious and paranoid about it. I have been extremely paranoid lately, about everything. I have a feeling I will need to go back on an antipsychotic.

My mom picked the girls up from school, so I took a Klonopin and I’m going to try to rest before she brings them over here. My husband tells me I need to de-stress, find a way to relax, but it is very hard, I almost don’t know how to. So we’ll see how I am over the next few days. Thanks for all the kind words.