I have been avoiding the DID forums because there were some who didn't seem to think that I have DID.
I've worried in the past that I was possessed and I do have an alter
who is incredibly evil.
His anger is just so intense and he is full of hate.
I've fought him for decades but, I'm losing the battle now and feel like I too am turning.
I also have three other alters that are on the dark side.
I didn't want to mention this but, another one showed up about a month ago and it was the worst one I've ever felt.
I'm not going to say what it felt like because it was really that bad. So, bad that it scared me.
My therapist's office dropped me over insurance issues and now I've been told that I'll have to go through my pdoc to get a referral to see a psychologist to get a diagnosis.
I don't get to see my doctor though for almost two months and my resistance is wearing down quickly.
I'm so tired of fighting and deep down have always believed that this was my destiny. To be evil. My really evil alter has always hated me and insulted me and he is jealous that he is not the host personality. He's been trying to get me to accept a life of wickedness and hate and now it feels like it is actually happening. I feel it deep down in my soul. And I've suddenly started behaving cruelly and vengefully and enjoying it.
I feel like I'm not me anymore but, I just don't want to fight anymore. I've been feeling so malicious. I even like these words. I know that it is awful but, I can't resist it anymore and I really don't want to.
Has anyone else here ever experienced anything like this?