It was not your fault and you did not deserve it! I know it is easier to say that than it is to believe it. Sometimes, I still have problems truly believing I did not somehow deserve it...but, I know and most days believe, I was innocent. I was abused and raped. Sometimes, I did not even try to fight it--I just let it happen--those are the moments I question the most. But, he had broken me, used me...he knew he was raping me. He was a sick #@(&(#. It was not your fault and you did not deserve it. Disassociation is tough to manage. Take your time, go slow...do you have some grounding techniques?