Whether I am up or down, normal or not- my mind is always racing. Normally it just feels okay, I am pretty used to it. I was on Ritalin for a year, suspected adhd, and that was the most quiet year I have had ever.

Yesterday I fall asleep, but as the rest of these last weeks it didn’t go many minutes before I was awake again. (30-60 minutes)
My legs starts to feel restless, and I feel a mix of itching and pain. Then my pulse starts climbing, and my minds starts racing. It’s like having a freaking tea-party inside, driving me nuts. Everything, like every freaking moment of the day- and everything I did or did not accomplish that day keeps stopping by this party. And then the fun starts, future and past- and there is just not enough space in my poor brain to handle it.

It feels like exploding, from the inside. I imagines myself screaming my lungs out while ripping my hair out. That scene made me giggle a bit, and I sighed really high and put my head back on the pillow. Facepalming myself while trying to ask my brain to shut the f**k up for just a minute. And why, why do this now, I had an okay day. «Because of life», the answer made me sigh even more. Telling me that life in itself is triggering me atm.
Frustrated and still itchy in my legs I started getting annoyed at all this discussion inside my head. Gaaaah, I am so in need for a time-out, or I will end up all exhausted and explode again.

There was no way to stop this, I was getting all sweaty and really restless.
I decided to try sedate this beautiful broken brain of mine. Went downstairs and got a sleeping pill. A ‘z’, so not very addictive one. (It was not mine, but I was desperate. And I will tell my doc I took one of my husbands sleeping pill. I know it was wrong)

Anyway. I took it. Went to bed, and read a bit online. Still a tea-party inside, but after a while I started to feel everything calm down.
I didn’t feel a high or anything drug-like, but when things started to calm down I felt so peaceful. I was amazed, and I thought to myself «oh my, you can’t fall asleep yet, you need to embrace this loving feeling of peace and quiet». It was so amazing.

I slept like a baby.

My husband says his head is quiet on a normal basis. I say, never again say that we are not coping- you don’t even know how easy your life is then

I am not medicated. I wonder if anyone medicated experience calmness?
It’s not so emotional, it’s just really exhausting. Maybe I’m weird.

I don’t know. But all day I have been remembering the quiet ten minutes yesterday. I am surprised and yeah, almost longing for someone to give me a week of that quiet state of mind.