Good to read your post Charlie. When you return to your old home, the nature overpowers the bad memories, when you return, it is no longer there and only the bad memories display. Perhaps your visits to the old homestead area will in the future allow you to work through some of the bad times, to where only the pureness of nature will abound? There is often much anger at our previous "life" and maybe only there, alone, will it feel safe enough to let some of it out. Certainly the trees and plants know what has gone on around them, and they can absorb our frustration? Home was supposed to be safe and free and fun, a place to "go home to" and be secure in life. It also holds the bad times. Going back well, it's an approach-avoidance conflict.

As for the depression, part of the dynamics is IT tells us lies. With most other disorders, this isn't included in the symptomology. Depression tells us we aren't better, when we might very well be! It tells us that it will never let us go, that there's no reason to live, and no medication will help. It gives us the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

You have done marvelous things in your life! While there is a big element of biology to depression, there is a mind-over-matter element also. Read back through your first post and see how you might change the wording to be positive. Our very being seems to reinforce the depressive nature.

Of course, you know me somewhat, and my depression. I trust that you know that I am not preaching at you, but trying to encourage you while I can. There are times, as you know, when the depression takes nearly full control. If it wasn't for my T at those times, I wouldn't be here.