Ok. Here goes in no particular order.

Sit down with your wife and get on the same page re your son and his behaviour:
If she trusts your judgement to be rational enough to work full time and contribute/provide financially then she should trust your judgement to think rationally when it comes to your son.
Bipolar and OCD don’t equal violence. You both should agree on that. You wouldn’t tolerate your son being violent to strangers in the community. It’s not ok to be violent to either of you. If your wife thinks you shouldn’t intervene when he’s verbally violent to her, when does she want your intervention? After she’s been hit, shoved, the police have been called?

Me and DH weren’t on the same page initially. He was tough. I wasn’t. Our DD’s behaviour just got worse. It took me being put on blood pressure medication and a 3rd mood stabiliser to say ‘I’ve had enough’. Once we were on the same page our DD’s behaviour slowly improved.

Sit down together with son:
Tell him violence towards mum or anyone is never ok. If he wants to be violent you will call police and have him charged (good deterrent we found)
Tell him that if he wants to take off in the middle of the night that it’s his choice but he is to make his own way home.
Confiscate whatever you need to. Our daughter had to hand in laptop, phone, wallet each day and they would be locked in the safe (she got up to a lot of mischief online). We also had to lock up our wallets so she couldn’t steal from us.

Our DD is now 3 yrs older and a little wiser. And feeling consequences.
She opted to move out of home when she became ‘legal’ at 18yrs rather than live with house rules. She learnt after being kicked out of 2 sharehouses that others also had house rules. Lol.
She didn’t study for her final school exams so missed the cut off to study medicine. So now instead of finishing uni in her mid 20’s she will be in her 30’s. She didn’t attend her uni exams and prolonged uni by another year.
She had her driving license suspended for speeding.

Sorry it was such a long story. All to say that things are finally settled. Hang on for the ride. Im sure it’ll be ok in the end.