Extra session with T today to address my e-mail about attachment. T was 5 minutes late to get me, which is rare. I was super nervous going in. I joked about how lovely it was outside (it was pouring rain and just above freezing). T said maybe if you were a fish. Then he said he was late to get me because he was rereading my e-mail so that it was fresh in his mind.

T said I seemed bothered that he thought I'd only been seeing him 3 months and also by his asking how long it took me to get attached to ex-T and MC. How it seemed I'd tied those things together. I said, "Yeah, it felt like you thought I was attaching to you too quickly." He said it wasn't about that, how he was just curious as to how the process had gone with ex-T and MC. I said, "Oh...I just assumed you were bothered by timing," and he said no.

He wanted to address how I was bothered by his comparing me to other clients (his comment last session about how I probably think about him more than any other client). He said he didn't mean it in a critical way. That sometimes it can be hard to know who we are in comparison to others because we're only in our own heads. So he wanted to give a comparison. And that he was sorry it bothered me. I said was OK.

He said how with that and something else in e-mail, how I'd said I thought he felt like something was wrong with me. Which implied I was broken. But he didn't think that. He said how everyone can use some improvements, to handle things better, to live life better. And that's what this was about.

T said he wanted talk about who he is as therapist, how he gives feedback. That some people want more of a “soft” approach, where the T doesn't really say much, and have left him for that reason. So he’d understand if I did that. I said I tended to find his approach helpful. How maybe 6 years ago, would have been different. He also reiterated that he’d be straight with me if anything I do bothers him—he wouldn’t wait 3 months for it to build up. I said I appreciated that.

About 20 minutes in, I said, tearing up, "I was actually afraid you were going to terminate me today." T looked really surprised and said, "Really? How did you handle that anxiety?" I said, "I figured I'd wait to see how the first part of session went." He said, "You've done nothing to warrant termination. Plus, I'd never spring it on you like that." I said I was worried about the e-mails. He said I'd been very respectful of his boundaries. I said, "Really? I was worried because I'd sent e-mails the past couple weeks." He said it wasn't like I had pushed for an e-mail response when he said he couldn't respond. Or done anything else crossing the boundaries. I said, "Yeah, like I haven't insisted you talk to me at 11 at night" (he's said he doesn't respond to anything between 10 p.m. and 7 a.m.). He agreed. I said, "Also, with the texting just for scheduling." He agreed with that, too. I said I just worried about e-mails a couple weeks in a row. He said if I was e-mailing after every session, then he'd probably suggest adding extra sessions. But not terminate me.

I said I worried he didn't want to work with attachment. How he kept saying that he wasn't psychodynamically trained. So I worried that meant he didn't want to deal with attachment stuff. He said he's fine working with attachment. And that he believes all therapy, except stuff like very strict 8-session CBT, is built on the relationship. How the relationship is the most important part, that it might not even matter what modality of therapy you do--if it's a good relationship, it can be effective.

I also talked about how in the past couple months I went from basically two therapy sessions a week (MC and either ex-T or T) to basically just T. That seemed to be a lightbulb moment for him. He said “so basically you’ve cut your therapy sessions in half” I said yeah...plus having outside contact with them. He said he hadn't really thought of that. He asked if I might want to come more often for a bit, like twice a week or sort of an every 4-5 days thing. I said I’d think about it. Or maybe could do twice a week every other week, just for a set period of time.

I also asked if he’d ever been in therapy—he looked puzzled and said yes, for his degree—did I want to know if he understood it from the other side? I said yes, how pouring out all this stuff for an hour, then bye, see you next week can be difficult. He asked if I left some sessions feeling kind of raw, and I said yeah, at times. He said he didn't realize that, and that’s something we can work on, to make sure I’m in an OK place leaving session

I was going to bring up how it bothered me that he mentioned his wife being sick the previous session, as a reason he had to check his phone when he got a text (because of the stuff with MC's wife). But then self-disclosure in general came up, mostly regarding MC. T said how he realizes it can be an issue with me. That it seemed like I was trying to take care of him, saying, in response to the e-mail last night scheduling a session: “I know your wife is sick, so if schools end up being closed, don’t know if you can come in tomorrow.” He said I didn’t need to worry about/take care of him. That he wouldn’t offer me the time if it wasn’t available and he couldn’t be there.

I think I asked if he could have done phone call if he couldn't come in. He said how he preferred to meet in person, how he uses the phone for some sport psychology clients, like if they went off to college. But he thinks in person is better. I said, "Because you can see body language and things?" He said yes. Then added, "Maybe that session where I had my arms folded the whole time would have been better over the phone." I said, "Yeah, maybe!" And we both laughed.

I forget how this came up, but I said I had a certain impression of him the first few sessions that changed. He seemed curious, and finally I said, "Well, you seemed kind of detached and also arrogant." I said that was reinforced with his e-mail response where he wanted to be referred to as "Dr. T." He asked, "So what made you come back?" I replied, "Actually, I don't know! But you seemed different after the first few weeks. So I'm glad I did. Maybe it's just how you come off at first?"

T said he wanted to comment on something. I said OK. He said he felt like I see him as a puzzle without any pieces in it. So little things I’m learning, I’m putting in the pieces. Though they may not all be accurate. I started kinda laughing when he was describing that, saying I'd explain in a second. Then I said I’d used the exact same explanation about figuring out what was going on with MC’s wife. T was surprised at the parallel (asking if I'd told him that before, and I said I didn't think so). I said how that’s just how I am in general--not just with T's, but other people in my life.

He said how that it must be an exhausting way to be, to always be trying to figure that stuff out. But he seemed to understand that it’s related to anxiety, that it gives me better sense of control. He also said how it seems like it would be hard to be there in the present if I’m thinking about all that. I said yeah...

I said how I think a lot of it came from my mom, how she wouldn't give out much information, that I just had to piece things together. He said that made sense and would be something to discuss more in future sessions. I feel like all of that was really giving him insight into how my brain works. Like I might make more sense to him now.

I knew we were out of time. I said how last session, I'd made mistake of bringing up attachment right at end, like I'd kind of wanted him to say a particular thing, like reassurance, but he didn't. And I should have just asked. So today, I said, "So working with the attachment with me is OK, right?" And T said that it was. I could see in his eyes that he meant it.

Confirmed time for next week, then I went over to his desk to pay. We shook hands as he said, "Have a good week." I said, "You, too." He said, "Stay dry." I said, "Not sure I'll be able to achieve that one," and he laughed. Then he said, "Take care," and I said, "You too" and walked out.