Lately, I have been struggling with changes in my mood. I suffer from dysthymia so depression is what I mainly deal with; but lately, with me working more on self-reflection, I have come to realize a pattern in my behaviors. About every two weeks or so I bounce between baseline, what I have researched to be hypomania, and dysthymia.

During periods if hypomania I become very selfish, make decisions without thinking them through that I 9 times out of 10 regret later when I am feeling low because I tend to always make a mistake that ruins something that at the time I thought was an excellent idea and I do almost whatever it takes to make it happen, I can't see the things I am doing/blind to things, etc. Lately though when I have been low it's been bad, my emotions are uncomfortable.

I have lost jobs due to attendance, I have so much potential but I always end up sabotaging myself in some way or another. I know I have always been lazy so the depression doesn't help. Ever since I was a kid I have had problems with taking responsibility for my own actions, but I have started to realize that this may be due to an ego issue. I don't like people having poor thoughts about me.

I am stubborn. Everyone tells me I am the kindest person they have ever met, but I am a selfish ***** if I am being honest. I am really sorry for the language I just don't know how to put it. I am desperate for help. I don't know if this is a maturity issue, lack of self-discipline, emotional trauma, ptsd, or all of the above? My previous counselor mentioned she thought I had PTSD due to my childhood. Both of my biological parent's were meth addicts.

My biological mother was bipolar schizophrenic, and my dad suffered from major depression, meth psychosis at one point, and he attempted and talked about taking his life multiple times. According to my mom (my aunt, dad's sister that raised me), I am just like (bio mom). She said that I am just as manipulative as she was. I don't understand how I am such an ugly person? I feel like there are two sides to me, in so much that I do I look back and think why? Sometimes when I am really low I wonder what is the point of going on,

I don't think even in those times I could take my life, but I have lost everything and I feel like what's the point if life is going to always be this hard. I am in debt, broke, no job, no car, I have lost my friends, pushed my family away. I have nothing. Or so it feels at times. When I think about it too much it causes me anxiety. I am a lot like my dad in that way, he always used to run from his problems. I am that person, I would rather just not know and walk away from it.

I ignore people trying to reach me for days, completely abandoned my longest job and best reference on my resume and why? because I was miserable. But for some stupid reason, I thought it was a good idea.. I was having the time of my life, some anxiety in the back of my mind because I felt bad. But I was on cloud 9. I was only out of work for 2 weeks before I started my other job because I got hired before I left my other one. Unfortunately, after a severe fibromyalgia flare up I lost my job. I was not there long enough for my FMLA to cover me and they said that because I couldn't find someone to cover my shift even though I called in, it was a no call no show..

I have been out of a job now for almost a month and I am losing my mind. I don't understand why I make such stupid choices. IF I had put in my two weeks there would have been an opportunity to go back. Now I ruined that. I am currently taking Prozac, my grandma and my dad both did really well so my doctor figured it would be good for me. I think it's doing okay. Idk though,.

My half-sister is also bipolar if that's pertinent. In life, I have so many things I want to accomplish but I feel like I am stuck in this revolving door, and the same things happen over and over and over and over again. Never getting anywhere, I have tried learning meditation, mindfulness, and I feel great and become obsessive over the topics when I get into them again and then they quickly become nothing. I can never finish anything I start. My life is a mess. When I get excited about something I get really stuck on it, almost obsessive,

I don't talk about anything else, I don't think read or really involve myself with much other than what I am fixated on. Be it learning for a new position, essential oils, nails, random things I take interest in but they come and go in waves. nothing in my life is consistent. I can't stick to a schedule. Have a conversation with me I am sure really sucks, I don't have conversations really because apparently what I have to talk about is more important even though obviously no one cares about it so I keep talking on and on.

It's not a conversation mainly I talk at people not with them. It's not that I don't want to hear what they have to say, I don't know if I just don't care, I don't know if it's because I don't want to forget what I was going to say, I mean I have so much to talk about when there is something I am interested in. Other than that I have got nothing if I am not interested in anything I have nothing to talk about. I am usually a really quiet person. I think that stems too from me having self-image issues. I feel like everyone thinks what I say is stupid, I forget what

I am talking about mid-sentence a lot too. If it's not me worrying about my face, my nose, my clothes, my everything, I'm worrying about something else in life it feels like. Unless I am having a good day then I am happy and I can overcome obstacles, it's like a light at the end of the tunnel until it all crashes and burns again. Sometimes it can be the smallest thing or an argument with my boyfriend that sends me downward. I sleep, like A LOT. I think just the other day I slept for like 14 hours or so, woke up around 3 PM and still went to bed probably around 11. I have been dealing with more insomnia though. I am trying to lay things out on the table as clear as I can,

I really apologize if this is a jumbled mess but my thoughts bounce all over the place and go back and forth. I just want some honest help. For a long time, I was really embarrassed about my mental health but I am starting to learn how important it is. I am not sure what is going on but it is ruining every aspect of my life. I just need help and I really just want to know what is going on with so I can move forward to getting better. For my own sake and the sake of my loved ones. I appreciate your time.

P.S. I have an upcoming appointment with my PCP but I am antsy until then to see what other people's thoughts are.