Quote:
Originally Posted by anon71415
Does anyone with BPD have obsessive relationships. Like you think about fantasies with this person because you love him or her. I'm a girl and I love my female teacher. She is like a mother to me but I obsess about her all the time. I've caught myself being cautiously stalkerish. Like I'm always looking for her at school. I ask others where she is. I even know what car she drives and her license plate number. Is this normal for a BPD patient. I'm really a clingy person but I get angry quickly if they reject me. I feel humiliated if they reject me. I litterly can attach to nurturing woman if they show the slightest kindness to me regarding my conditions. I also could have jus met them and I cling to them. I feel really guilty regarding my longings but they are insatiable.
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I'm so thankful I found this thread. I experienced exactly the same thing a few times while I was in high school. The first one was when I became obsessed with my supply art teacher when I was 15. Both of us being female I was confused about whether I was in love with her or obsessed with her. I think it was a mixture of both. It was never romantic love though but more of a maternal love that I craved from her. It didn't make sense to me because I had a good mom and didn't think I had any unresolved issues about my childhood. But I wanted wanted her to love me the way she loved her own children.
I knew everything about her. The names of her kids, things about them, things about her life and childhood, where she lived and worked before, what she liked and what she didn't. I made excuses to go and see her before and after school, at lunch and break etc, where we would talk the whole time and I would try and retsin and remember everything she said. I craved her attention and love. I would fantasize various scenarios where she would take care of me or offer me some kind of comfort in a time of need. I would look for her at school and my heart would race whenever I saw her. I spent an unholy amount of money on her at Christmas and wrote an "essay" in her card. I realise now that it really was obsession, and I feel sorry for her and what I must have put her through. But I know I couldn't help it.
Throughout school and sixth form this happened at least four more times, with both male and female teachers. With male teachers the obsession was always more romantic and sexual. But with female teachers I craved their approval, affection and love. I think I was looking for a closeness and trust that I no longer had at home.
I look back at these times as if I am over it. But now I'm 22 and going through it again with a female co-worker. She's 18 years my senior and has a son a few years younger than me. I think I'm in love with her, but I'm also obsessed with her. It's maternal again but at the same time I'm attracted to her. I don't know what I want from her. Sometimes I honestly think I just want her friendship, but I already have her friendship - we are close and are more like best friends than colleagues - but if it's friendship I want then why am I not content already? Why do I constantly think about her and our relationship? Why does my heart race when I get an innocent friendly phone call or message from her? Why do my feelings for her make me hate myself and want to cry?
I don't know what to do. I don't want to be like this forever. I don't want to be constantly heartbroken over unrealistic hopes of unrealistic relationships. Will I be like this forever? I need help.