Words are never enough. i have never felt heard as much as when i acted on words and have accompanied them with actions (which resulted as "acting out/making a scene")

this is why i SH: to show my pain (even if only to myself), why i drink, why i take pills.... nothing expresses my feelings and calms me better than these.

this is why i attempted sui several times, why im still contemplating sui and why i quit therapy.... i didnt feel heard by my T either. as if nobody ever takes me seriously.... and the only way to make them "get it" is by actions.

specifically, now..... i have accomplished nothing in my life, im a total waste, the only thing i was proud of, getting a job (go figure), is the very same thing pushing me to sui again.

i told them how much i can take without going crazy, im not making things up just to work less, i have always given 110% and i even have a paper stating my invalidity, but they dont care. and i keep dreaming on losing it and ODing or worse in front of them. maybe that way they will get it?

or maybe its a sign im REALLY not made for this life if along with relationships, im not even able to keep a job? a job that i fought so hard to get (not because i liked it but because i wanted to accomplish at least one thing in my life and being able to go live on my own (at 35!!!))

why nobody ever listens to me? why nobody hears me? why my words are never enough, never serious enough? not even Ts thought i was serious. why nobody cares and they only hear what they want to hear from me? im so tired and hopeless.