I've hit a rough spot over the last couple of weeks and it only seems to be getting worse. Depression is just one of my problems, but it seems that when it flares up, the other things get worse too - especially the anxiety and the ADD. Oddly enough, my OCD seems to get better during depression but I think it's mainly because I don't have the energy to be compulsive as I normally am - don't feel like my ritual cleaning, etc.

Anyway, it started shortly after the beginning of the year. At first I attributed it to SAD since we've had just cold and very little sunshine here. But now I'm starting to scare myself. I'm just not happy and I worry about every little thing. The world is just so unpromising - between the war, the economy, the mud-slinging with the elections...it just seems like it's the end of the world as we know it and there's no hope in sight.

I can't focus on anything. Luckily at my job I am sort of in the background and no one really knows what I do so if I wander off in my mind during the day, nobody really cares. I have a strong desire to go back to my addictive nature - mainly alcohol now since it's the only thing I can get legally. I've started closet smoking again and I really don't care if it's bad for me. I actually sometimes wish I would get some illness. In a way, I feel like that would validate my pain - kind of like the depression isn't enough to claim as a valid source of pain.

This all with the ongoing saga of whether or not I was abused as a child (long story, but I can't get anyone to tell me the truth although deep down inside I know it's true) - this all really has my mind cluttered and I don't know what to do or who to turn to. My husband has been sort of supportive, but I don't feel like I can truly unload to him. He's the only friend I have. I do go to therapy with a LCSW once a month - self pay since insurance doesn't cover it. And my insurance only covers 50% of mental health and the only accepting providers are an hour away.

I'm also frightened that they will try to put me back on meds. I've been med free (except for Klonopin for the anxiety and herbal remedies) for about 5 years now and I don't want to go back on them. I thought I was stronger and that I'd had it beat but now I'm not so sure.

I guess I'm not really looking for any solutions - I'm just looking to unload to people who can truly understand how debilitating this can be. Kind of morbid, but it does help to validate the pain and suffering when you know that there are others who have been there and understand. But I could sure use some words of encouragement if you have any to spare

Thanks for listening!