I'm sorry you are struggling with all of this.  There really isn't much of anything I could offer in the way of advice I'm afraid. However here are links to some articles from PsychCentral's archives on the subject of how to recover following a break-up. Perhaps something in them can be of some help:
https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...ver-a-breakup/
https://psychcentral.com/lib/recover...-and-breakups/
https://psychcentral.com/blog/3-comm...ve-narcissist/
 
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"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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