Thanks, all...going to try to respond to everyone here. Really, thank you for being here.

Thank you for the hugs (((RC))) and for your support as well, NP and ForWhatItsWorth.

Salinger - thank you so much. First, for saying you could see my fear and pain in my words - that really made me feel seen. And for putting a lot of words to things I just couldn't - such as how the inability to save the conversation was terrifying. And for saying that C and I went through something today.

I realized, just now, as I was typing about this more that we did go through something, and I feel let down. I literally said to C "The benefit of dissociation is that I can just cram this back and it's like it didn't happen." He asked if that's what I was doing, and I said "yep." I told him I didn't want to talk about it. The thing is... I think I needed him to push me on this. To say "no, TMC, we're not going to cram this back. We're not going to pretend it didn't happen. This time, you're not alone with this. I'm here, and you're safe."

Because, see, C knows...C knows that's my history and greatest defense: immediately pretending it didn't happen. That's what I did after I was assaulted. It's what I always do. He knows this, and, actually, I do feel let down.

I actually don't want IFS; we're not doing IFS. I'm on the dissociative spectrum far down enough to have 'parts.' (I just don't black out and lose time. Not anymore at least.) I asked C his experience in working with people who have dissociative disorders, and he says that he has experience -- even working with people farther down on the spectrum than me.

It's just, also, I am attached to him. And some of the parts, but not all, are really attached to him...in a very childlike way...and I just came out of being abandoned by a therapist I was extremely attached to...I just can't lose another one.

LT - I have gone as far in therapy as I can without parts work being part of the therapy. So, that's kind of...that.

mostlylurking - He seems absolutely willing to learn. He does NOT take it lightly when I talk about quitting. And I know that. Unfortunately, I (well, a part) was 'bombing' my relationship with him... so I know that I hurt him - made him feel very inadequate and like he is failing me. Which... is fair, honestly. I didn't say anything that wasn't true. I didn't insult him. I just said he didn't understand, I didn't want to be anyone's practice client, I wanted someone who knew what he was doing ---

what I didn't say was that this was all a LOT more intense today BECAUSE I was coming in off the street after a sudden trauma, was shaken, and needed someone to make me feel safe...and to 'know what to do' (even though I'd already done all the adult things I needed to do). Instead, I felt alone in the room - with all of the burden of trying to figure out not just the attempted robbery but also everything else in my entire messed up head and life...