I knew I should have stayed home today. I am freaking out. Anxiety, rage, crying, you name it. I have to make it through five and a half more hours. I keep telling myself I can do this. I can do it today but I don’t know at what cost. I seriously want to break down in tears right now. I want to scream and punch things. I had a dream where I beat the **** out of some random person for some minor offense. I tend to get those dreams when I’m struggling.

I feel like self harming but I’m at work, ive got nothing to self harm with. And nowhere to do it. But I’ve got tools at home....

I cannot he hospitalized again as my mother would have a complete nervous breakdown having to watch my son, especially bc my grandma and grandpa aren’t doing well right now. My grandpa is just elderly and sick, my grandma is having back surgery in March. I djust not know how long I can push myself without a hospitalization. I will only go to hospital if I get psychotic again but that is a real possibility.

****. Bell rang. Time to pretend to be normal