I just wanted to give you a hug, I feel like I am too new here to know what to write.

But you mention a couple times the word fun and also lazy, regarding what to do and don’t. I actually mentioned this to my doc today- this feeling of having a sick will, like feeling I should be able to do it, I just don’t. That part feels kinda like adhd, when boring stuff is even harder to do. I know cognitively what should be done, but don’t have the willpower or energy to do it. That makes me feel like a faulty human being, and I feel weak.
Problem with that is that is easily makes the racing thought take on a negative spin, and the urge to self-medicate starts growing.

Be honest with your doc and therapist, and be proud of yourself, even when you make bad descisions, it doesn’t make you a bad person. They can help you with therapy and/or adjustment in medication so you hopefully can get the same result as self-medicating would give you.

You are not a failure, nor a less worthy human being. I think the opposite- even with all the hurdles and lemons life throws at us, we are still here. That is something to be proud of.