I'm sorry I can't tell you what's going on with you. But, since you wrote this a couple of days ago, & no one has yet replied to your post, I thought I would.

Actually I can relate to quite a bit of what you wrote. I'm an older person now. But, looking back, my life is pretty-much a train wreck. And the really sad part of it is that a lot of it was self-inflicted. But even though I've been kicking around the mental health system where I live for around the past 20 years, I don't have a diagnosis. So I can't even share that with you.

You mentioned you've been diagnosed with dysthymia. But, from what you wrote, it sounds to me as though perhaps there is more going on here than just that. I think I'm probably in a similar situation. Somewhere there has to be something written down in the way of a diagnosis for me, if for no other reason than for insurance purposes. I presume it would probably say: depression. That's easy. But I know, when I look back at my past, there was a lot more to it than that.

The problem, of course, is how does one get beyond a simple diagnosis of depression or dysthymia & figure out what is really going on... & perhaps more importantly what can be done about it? I think the only way that is likely to happen is by finding a skilled mental health therapist, or psychologist, & working at length with them to get down to the root of the problem. It takes time, commitment, & a lot of hard work in order to accomplish this. Plus before you can even begin, you have to find that skilled therapist or psychologist with whom you feel comfortable. That in itself can take some doing. (I recall you mentioned you're now unemployed so presumably you have no insurance coverage? That makes the whole situation even more complicated unless you can find some free or income adjusted services in your area.) However, if you can accomplish that, I believe the end result could turn out to have been eminently worthwhile. I wish you well...