Well, we had a breakthrough. A very very necessary breakthrough.

The session started off rocky. I arrived 30 min early, sat in the waiting room, and attempted to check in as to what parts were where, but I couldn't stay present enough to grasp any of it. I was very fragmented and shaking. I went up with C and, while there was no anger or upset, I struggled to string words together.

We did sort out things from yesterday (thank god I'd written things down that I wanted to say), but beyond that, I was eventually finally able to present parts in a visual concept that resulted in C finally understanding something he hadn't before -- the crucial point, actually.

I'd sketched out how it works for me by drawing a cross-section of my head from the top (ha) and dividing it into 3 parts like a 'car' kind of - to use my car analogy. I pointed out where eyes and ears were and put a little steering wheel on the 'drivers side' of the head. I X-ed out the back portion - the 'trunk' - to indicate any part back there was not aware of what was going on out here. There are, however, also parts that aren't even in the trunk - they just aren't on the diagram at times. I guess that would mean I'm unable to 'find' them at that time.

Then, using the colors some of the parts have 'picked' for journalling, I drew out where each part had been during yesterday's post-attempted-robbery session. (Actually, I did that yesterday). I'd also spent a few times today checking in and re-drawing where everyone was when I noticed big shifts.

At first, C said it wasn't news to him - it was all what he already thought. I said that was ok - if this was how he already understood it and I was confirming it, that was ok. But, then, finally while I was pointing out "this is why I got upset because you see this part isn't the same part as the 'me' part" and he said something like "the way I see it, you are the big circle - the head."

I immediately exclaimed "No! Oh no! Not at all! That's just the head, me and the body aren't the same thing!" And that, ladies and gentleman, seems to have been the ah-ha moment for C.

Does he understand everything? No way. But, neither do I. And, by that point, the part I call "GSD" (as in "get s*** done") had fully taken over, and I was but a passenger. GSD understands the system far more than I do, it seems - she has far more access to information than I or any other part, I think. She spilled so much to C. GSD, you see, has this awesome ability to totally wall off all other parts in such a way that there's no backlash after those walls come down. The other parts don't hear, see, and they don't seem aware that they've been kept out of something either.

We wound up talking about so much: about how some parts have their own clothing, about how the parts have different appearances, some with different genders even - about the struggle to keep some parts from drastically changing my body's appearance, etc. We talked about why I know my husband would be scared/worried if I told him all of this, about the part with the SH/ED behavior and how it has scared him in the past. About some parts' abilities to use these walls to take over in such a way that other parts that might stop them (from SH for instance) are unable to do so. About parts that I have horrible 'working relationships' with...on and on.

GSD seriously almost shook his hand at the end. I laugh. She ended with "thank you so much for taking the time to fit us in." and even made statements about "we have plenty of time to talk more about (can't remember what part-related topic) on Monday; it isn't far away." It's a bit eerie to me...being so much more aware of parts. I can't really decide if I like it or not... it is kind of one of those ignorance is bliss things, I think, sometimes.... I said to C that this is just always how I've worked... but this is the first time I've ever spoken to anyone about these details. And, it's true... despite having gained some awareness 10 years ago (and then having lost it), NONE of the stuff that came pouring out of GSD today was the same as what I understood 10 years ago. Honestly, most of it was stuff I didn't even know....that is a weird feeling. And it absolutely wakes up those 'this isn't real' parts. (Which, btw, we also talked about - that some parts' primary objectives are to keep the system a secret....and THAT is why this is ridiculously hard to talk about -- especially out loud.)

One thing C said that I'm not sure is accurate and we'll have to discuss later is that the "me" part I indicated on my papers is the "essential me" that has always been there. I do not think that is entirely accurate, but, I'm not ready to dissect that at the moment.