I hear you. I totally relate to what you're saying DechanDawa. I'm the same. Ever since I began the journey of change years ago now, and although I don't drink or use drugs anymore - and that took a while to iron out - I struggle every day and I've noticed that from day one. It's nuts. I don't understand either. Things are meant to get better! Hang in there DechanDawa. Maybe some 12 Step meetings could help? I used to go to those and they were pretty good.