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Originally Posted by mote.of.soul
I hear you. I totally relate to what you're saying DechanDawa. I'm the same. Ever since I began the journey of change years ago now, and although I don't drink or use drugs anymore - and that took a while to iron out - I struggle every day and I've noticed that from day one. It's nuts. I don't understand either. Things are meant to get better! Hang in there DechanDawa. Maybe some 12 Step meetings could help? I used to go to those and they were pretty good.
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I did the 12 step thing years ago when I first quit drinking...for 18 months...and it was a blast! I quit drinking for ten years. Then went back to social drinking. I recently gave up social drinking...not because it was a problem...but because I was on a health kick. It really wasn't hard to give it up the second time.
I think I had expectations...that when I would quit ALL the bad habits that my life would automatically start improving. That hasn't happened.
I mean...of course, I am much, much healthier. Maybe I am healthier both physically and mentally. I look back and really can't believe the trash people I used to put up with.
I thought that I would gain peace-of-mind, and a quiet contentment. I have a master's degree in the field of spirituality...so I have thoroughly explored that. I have studied philosophy.
I just don't know what the next step is. I think I am beyond 12 steps. I am on like step 16 or 17 but I don't know the next step.
I have done the steps, therapy, tried medication, spirituality, philosophy, CBT, DBT, a new health regime, exercise, journaling.
Sigh. I am tired because I am just not "feeling it" ...