Hi, Kirtle, welcome to PsychCentral (PC). I have 3 grown stepsons and understand a little how you feel I think (my husband and I have been married 18 years).

It is very hard to feel left out and as if one's thoughts and feelings do not matter. However, since it happened at his ex-wife's house or when their children were in her care, I think the two of them have issues with the whole situation and their previous marriage and care of their children. My husband's ex-wife lives near us too and though she and I are good friends, I always try to stay in the background when she is around or something specifically relates to their previous marriage.

When it is just my husband and myself and stepsons present, I use that time to work on building a relationship between all of us, both individually between me and each son and as a family grouping. I'm fortunate in that my husband does try to include me, sometimes after-the-fact :-) but he does eventually tell me any "news". I try to determine where he wants to go with whatever it is, as it is "his" family (whether his sons, ex-wife, or his brothers/father) and blend in the best I can in a supportive manner.

Have you discussed your husband's behavior with him and how it makes you feel? He could just be ignorant of his methods' effects on you?