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Originally Posted by ElectricManatee
I agree with Elio. I also think being able to have open, non-judgmental conversations (as many as you want/need!) without your T being defensive is so, so important. In my experience, those conversations are especially fruitful exactly when they are about things your T does that don't hit you the right way.
My T is flexible about scheduling things and careful about planning/announcing her absences. Sometimes she might gently ask if a certain behavior of mine has a deeper meaning, but she's quick to back off if I disagree or don't want to talk about it. It would feel disrespectful if she had one set of rules for her absences and another set of rules for mine. She assumes I have good intentions, which is good because I do.
SE, I also wonder if you would benefit from a T who offers outside contact, particularly if you're doing trauma work. My T sees that as part of her job. So yes, I'm still part of her job, but her responsibility (or willingness to support me) doesn't end when my appointment does. It makes a huge difference to my functioning and my therapy that she will spend a few minutes on the phone later if something big gets opened up in session and I can't close it back down by myself.
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Your T does sound gentle. I would look for that quality next time, if I ever change. I adore the sense of belonging you seem to feel with her. I would like to achieve that sense of safety.
My T will allow me to email to collect my thoughts and commit to the session up coming, but generally doesn't reply. I think this is flexible on his part, and against his very deep belief n the purity of the "frame".
We both had times in our 20's in which we wrote professionally- me for a magazine and my T for TV- so it becomes self conscious in the extreme, and he will sometimes say he loved a sentence and why etc. It goes down the wrong road of being about the writing sometimes, but at other times he brings up in session details that demonstrate he read and understood with an accurate and true heart.
There might even be an aspect of competition between us, which sometimes delights me and sometimes knocks the wind out of me- about facility with metaphor etc. The whole things is just maybe we are too much peers, but then he is a seasoned psychologist who owns the power in the room, and I am the one with the sad story who needs help. I vacillate between gratitude and resentment.