I absolutely relate. I tried this and that, everything, for years as well, still trying, but I struggle within myself. It's the depression/anxiety [and God knows what else] which was always there to begin with, but now it's even more present[!] as I don't have anything to mask it with, plus I don't have the denial factor in me anymore. Everything's so raw. I don't know. Yes, some positives have come out of it too, I changed along the way and grew as a person in terms of values and ethics, so that's good.

You know what DechanDawa? Spiritualty is my anchor, which is something you obviously know about, yet slowly but surely I became a more or less a recluse - wow. Not stable enough to even hold down a job anymore. It's not a priority. Staying sane [and alive] is, bit I have my activities as well. I like to try and contribute in different ways, be productive.

Anyway, yes, those 12 Step days were great days for me as well. Some awesome times, awesome people. And some very dark times too, but that's life. I don't have the answer sorry, except to keep trying. Keep evolving the spirit DechanDawa, maybe that's what it's all about.

Hey, good on you for being a healthy person, though. That's something to be proud of.