I'm just getting worse as the day goes on.

My husband is now angry at me because of several things - one is that I can't let the childhood abuse thing go. He thinks I should just put it behind me but it's so much easier to say that than to do it. He blames my family for being so heartless as to not be truthful with me. And when I asked to go visit them alone without him, he got very resentful asking me if I was going to meet some ex-boyfriend. It's hard enough dealing with the depression - I don't need the jealousy and control thing too.

I've often thought lately of hurting myself. But there's just a little spark in me that doesn't want to. I am having a really hard time not reverting back to my addictions. I am smoking again to try and curtail some of the harder addictions. I'm not sure how long that will last. I really, really want to drink and worse. I guess what I have going for me is that I don't know where to get anything other than alcohol anymore. But something has to take the edge off before I do something extreme.

I could put in for a leave of absence at work but I don't know why. I can't stay at home because I won't get any better there. I don't really need rehab - I'm not to that point plus I couldn't afford it anyway. I've lost interest in almost everything and I really don't know where to turn.

I really, really hate this. Why are we cursed with this disease? I mean, all of us here are good people. Why do we have to suffer so much?