Gwydion, thanks for sharing that. Telling that story can't be easy for you and I congratulate you for your courage.

I could relate to much of what you wrote. I was sexually abused by older boys from a very young age. The age difference was about four or five years. I didn't consider it abuse until my mid twenties when my first son reached the age I had been when it all started. My therapist at the time asked me how I'd feel if that happened to my son and that did it, I became so upset I couldn't function but it was a breakthrough. I could finally see the abuse for what it was.

It was hard because I enjoyed the attention I got from these kids. I was included and while I felt horribly guilty and confused after each time, I still wanted it to happen. So it was my fault right? Wrong. The difference of a few years is huge when you're talking about kids and the older kids had all the tools they needed to completely manipulate me. The same is true of your brother.

Another piece of confusion I can relate to is what happened when you became sexually mature. I too initiated the same scenarios I'd been involved with when I was younger. For me it was with friends and was consensual but I can see now that I was recreating what I'd been forced to learn as a boy. And while I can't change the fact that I'm now bisexual, I can say that all the homosexual casual sex I had in my teens wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been abused by other boys first.

Finally, and I know this is tough, but it's ok to love your brother and still see the situation in its proper context. My older brother was very physically abusive and while I blame him for that, I still know he's my brother and I still see him at family functions. I'll never trust him but he's still family.

So that's how I relate to what you wrote. It's difficult but it's important to see how someone with power over us changed the direction of our life to satisfy themselves.

As to your question of therapy, if you have the means and the interest, why not? Best case scenario is you heal more; worst case scenario is you waste a little time and money.

Thanks again and be safe.

Cyran0