You know what. I have always been this way, even from a young age. I went on an Outward Bound trip when I was 17. It was a month-long sailing challenge. It was meant to be an individual experience, along with a team experience. What did I end up doing? I ended up getting involved with two guys on the trip almost immediately. Then just one, and we dated for a while after that. Our leader pointed this out to me.. that I wasn't doing the individual work that I should have been doing. I was getting involved in relationships instead.

I have always gravitated towards relationships. I have trouble being alone, even though I have been single for many months at a time and as long as a year.

I don't think it's a part of my DNA to be single for very long. Maybe this is just who I am and how I am. And maybe it's something I should just accept about myself. I don't see anything really wrong with this EXCEPT for making poor choices because I haven't healed yet from the prior relationship OR I'm just repeating patterns with unhealthy men.

The whole point of my journey right now is to break my pattern of unhealthy relationships.

And I am working with my therapist on this.

This new guy knows I am not into dating right now. He knows where I stand. I will go out with him on Valentines as friends. I will get to know him better as friends. But he IS interested and wants more so I have to hold back and keep things in check.

And yes, perhaps the title of this post was dramatic. It was exactly how I was feeling at the time... that my unhealthy patterns cannot be broken, that there is no hope for me, and that I felt I would possibly end up alone for the rest of my life because of that.