I could have written these words myself. That's part of why this thread is poignant for me. If you asked me ten years ago to imagine how far my life would fall apart, I never would have guessed. I had depressions all of my life but somehow managed to function and excel in my chosen profession and was a pretty successful academic and published over 100 peer reviewed papers.

And now, i wonder if I can cope to get through the day. Part of it is bipolar psychoses starting in my mid 40s, part of it is a chronic pain and fatigue condition i developed that was treated with high dose celexa and set the stage for my first manic episode. I had also started abusing marijuana and still do although now I take an antipsychotic. I am on long term disability and so far they haven't tried to take it away. I am a lung cancer survivor (I used to smoke but quit in 2015 before diagnosis with a random chest xray). Half a lung was taken out and then I had chemo, with long lasting hearing loss, neuropathy and added fatigue. I am so alone. Even my cat has been having a medical problem but she is on the mend.

I grew up in a dysfunctional household where my mother was a therapist and help start a home for battered women but hid the fact that she was beaten, and so was I by both parents... My sister and I were treated so differently that I thought I was adopted but I was always 'high achieving' until I wasn't anymore. That was the bipolar and my foggy brain.