I’m exhausted, had liturgy today then lunch and a parish meeting. Daughter is coming home soon. There is so much I want to do but I have so little energy. I’m just enjoying sitting on my couch and listening to my daily mix on Spotify.
I feel quite sad to be honest.
I also feel quite angry.
I know I have had dysthymia since I was a teen and I still feel rage at my parents for abandoning and neglecting me. Seeing my bipolar diagnosis on Monday cracked the iceberg open. Watching Star Trek enterprise is helping me deal with my emotions. I was mr. Spock on Halloween in third grade. Today I have a customer who says hello Jolene Blalock every day at work and salutes me as t’pol. I have been a Vulcan my whole life. I had to go on medication ultimately to shut off my emotions. Today is day 1 of ramping down my lamictal after being on it for 11-12 years. I am finally ready to face my feelings as a single, sober woman. That means I will not use sex, sugar, marijuana, alcohol, nicotine, grains, or even endorphins to shut them off. I will be using DBT, CBT, religion, yoga, diet, supplements, work, sleep to deal with life on life’s terms as an artist with bipolar. May it be blessed.