I had an ok weekend. I have felt like crying for most of the day for both days but have tried to ignore it. I got my tax return so I was able to make a big payment on my credit card and also buy some stuff for my son and take him to see Peter Rabbit yesterday. I wanted to drink yesterday but I was at my friend’s house and didn’t want to drink and drive, especially since I was 50 minutes from home. I absolutely did not want to hang out AT ALL last night but I knew my sister in law would be upset if I cancelled so I went. It’s good I went. I forgot about my problems for a few hours.

I unfortunately am also rather irritable. I’m trying very hard not to take it out on my son but he is getting on my nerves big time. Everyone is. There is rage simmering beneath the surface that I am trying to contain. Mostly directed toward my husband. Seriously, if he were to come alive right now and walk into this room I would beat the absolute hell out of him. I hate him, I ****ing HATE him. I never want to see his face, I never want to talk about him, I never want him mentioned ever the **** again. Unfortunately I don’t want my son to know how I feel because I don’t want to influence his feelings toward his father. He’s been coming to me saying he misses his father more often these days. So we get his daddy journal, write to daddy, look at the photo album, etc. I tried to explain how daddy died. I don’t know if I’m doing this right. How can you do this right? This is why I’m so blindingly angry. I shouldn’t HAVE to do this. My stupid ****ing husband should have never taken those ****ing drugs the selfish ****ing ***hole.

But anyway. I’m sure this has something to do with my current depression just as much as work does. But I’m so tired. I just want to go to sleep forever. I don’t want to deal with everything I have to deal with. Medication is not going to help me this time. This is entirely situational. I’m going to be miserable until June 21. If I can even make it that long without losing it.

Sigh.