Don't mind me, I'm just trying to think out loud and get my thoughts into writing.

The thought that I might have bipolar/be bipolar (I'm sorry, I don't know the proper wording) never really crossed my mind because I have a family member who engages in a lot of wreckless, destructive behavior. Whenever anyone hears about the types of things she does, it's super common for people to say something along the lines of, "Has she been diagnosed as bipolar? She sounds bipolar to me." So as a result, I always thought that in order to have bipolar disorder, you had to engage in a lot of irresponsible behavior like excessive spending, drinking, unsafe sex, violent outbursts, etc. I've never done anything like this. If anything, I've always been a super cautious, goody two shoes, straight A student type. So I always just thought my mental illness was plain old depression.

Lately, I've been a mess as a result of a major life change that I don't want to disclose for anonymity's sake. I was thinking about how I've been all over the place in my feelings on the situation, one moment crying hysterically and thinking I'm doomed and nothing is ever going to work out and the next thinking that the situation is actually a great opportunity to really improve my life and blah blah. I've felt a bit like I'm legitimately losing my mind because it's like I can't settle on one set of feelings or the other. Every time I start to feel happy and optimistic, in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "Too bad this won't last and I'll be back to bawling uncontrollably in a few hours." It suddenly dawned on me a little while ago that, hey, isn't cycling back and forth between feeling ecstatic and feeling pessimistic and distraught like classic bipolar symptomatology? Then I got to thinking about how I've always kind of gone through periods of depression interspersed with periods of feeling mostly really good. I don't know if I'd describe the good periods as "mania," though. I can do kind of impulsive things like buy something I don't need when I'm feeling really good, but I don't go out and put a $500 pair of earrings on a credit card or anything. So idk.

I can't afford to go to a therapist, unfortunately, so I can't really get evaluated professionally, but I am beginning to wonder if maybe the reason I've had such bad luck with treatment in the past is that I've been being treated for depression when I might be more of a bipolar patient.