I've operated on the assumption that other people can't tell that I have a dissociative disorder. I work a full-time job and take care of responsibilities. Sure, I have an awful memory, and I have a horrible sense of direction when I drive. And people probably see that I'm an emotionally sensitive person. But I have thought that this is ALL that they know about me.

Now that my t has told me I have DID, some of the things my husband has told me in the past are starting to make sense. Like how some people misread me easily, and how I seem different at different times. I've been looking back at my life and realizing that even though most people would probably say I was a compassionate, nice person, others have thought me to be stuck up or worse. I've been blamed at times by close friends or family for thoughts or motives I don't have. I've always wondered why it's so hard for people to understand me. I've also wondered why, if people generally like me, nobody seems to want to get to know me more than very superficially.

I'm starting to fear that maybe people have been seeing all along that I am dissociative. Maybe they have witnessed me saying and doing things that look confusing or contradictory. Maybe I seem "weird" on some level...enough so that people are cordial, but not friendly. My dad even called me a good actress once when I was telling him how I honestly felt. My husband says he thinks sometimes I don't actually know what I feel, but the truth comes out in my actions.

I'm sorry for rambling...I'm just starting to feel scared knowing that there's probably more wrong with me than I realized, and that other people might see it too.