This question is even more complicated because it is not a romantic partner, it is my father. I can't go to the DV shelter because it is not a romantic partner abusing me it is my father. And it would be very difficult to prove to anyone anyways that he is being abusive. No one would believe me or has believed me.
My self-esteem is non-existent. Anytime I achieve any level of success, I always fail and fall back even further than where I was before. In the family system, I am the scapegoat and I hold all the shame and disorder for the family. I'm the crazy one, the one with all the mental disorders, the one with all the problems. Everyone else in the family (except for my mom to an extent) is seen as perfect. Especially if they are achieving and doing good.
I'm in debt A LOT. I can't seem to hold down a job or even find one that will hire me. I don't see a way out because I am financially dependent on my father. He has inch by inch, slowly & meticulously, manipulated the situation to be like this.
I don't see a way out. I have been cut off from all my outside supports. I'm in therapy and that is the only ray of hope. I have a business I'm trying to start, but my father has gotten involved so I see little chance for it to succeed. Any hint of success will be squashed by him because I am not to be independent or have my own life.
I'm almost 35 years old!!!! I want my own life, to maybe get married and have a family of my own. But I exist solely to take care of my parents as they age, and especially my dad. Instead of him being concerned that maybe I'm getting older and should probably find a romantic partner to build a life with so I won't be stuck living in his basement with him having to provide for me - which I would perceive to be ANY parent's NORMAL reaction. Instead of him being concerned I haven't found any job or career that I will be able to support myself and get on my own and live independently... HE IS ACTUALLY ENCOURAGING ME TO STAY. He does this in subtle ways. If you haven't been in a relationship with a narcissist, it would be very difficult to see or understand the ways they trap you.
But here is the thing about my dad. If he wants something, he always gets it. If he doesn't get it, he throws an adult tantrum and rages at you until he does. If he wanted me gone, I would need to be gone. What is MOST concerning is that HE DOES NOT WANT ME TO LEAVE. It is puzzling to me so much and I've tried and tried to figure out why since I've been living here off and on (I have tried to escape 3 times and failed now always coming back with my tail between my legs and even more obedient and compliant - not to mention even more financially independent because of being more in debt. More helpless feeling, more incompetent feeling, more hopeless feeling, and filled with self-doubt about me ever being able to make things any different for myself or if I'll just be stuck here forever).
So I've TRIED and TRIED to figure out WHY and the only thing I can come up with is that in his own family, his older brother gave up his own life and family and went to live with my dad's mom. SO I'M THE CHOSEN ONE by my dad who gets the honor and privilege of selflessly giving up my own life and hopes for a husband and family of my own, to take care of my parents and live with them until their dying day. Or in the case of my dad's family, his mom outlived his brother. There's always that option too.
Then my parents would just wash their hands of me and no longer have to deal with the burden of me. Then they could just move on to plan B, which is my brother's family taking care of them as they get old.
My dad is very smart. Smarter than I am by a long shot. I'm not able to beat him at his own game. My brothers were, they got out and are at least living their own lives with their own families. But my dad views females as servants, as stupid, as inferior, as incompetent. My self-esteem is shattered if it was ever there in the first place (and I'm not sure it ever was).
SO what do I do? How can I get free of this situation? I'm willing to try anything!!!!! My dad is a meticulous planner, and very manipulative and controlling. He has planned out his retirement carefully, financially providing for himself until age 105. He has numbered his years (never mind my own biological clock ticking out and Whoops, there goes any chance to have kids of my own). He is setting up everything to make sure HIS needs and HIS ALONE are taken care of. It feels very hopeless, it has been very damaging, and I would give anything to be free of it for good. PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME!!!!