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Yes, I changed the name. I hope you don't mind. Your words have given me so much comfort, I can't say it in words. I've been keeping the monster locked up for many years... for as many as my mother has been gone. Well... almost. There was once since then that I allowed myself to be carried off on the wings of fantasy. That's when I put a padlock on the door and barred it. In the process, I became cynical, unbelieving and bitter... towards other's love, anyway. For the most part, I don't want to believe that "true love" exists anymore. Too many people are too self-involved to be willing to give. The only love I dare trust somewhat is the love my grandchildren give me. Kids are so innocent and pure, but in the back of my mind, I know they'll reject me in the end.

If anything, I've learned that I have to find that acceptance, that caring and yes, even love, as ugly and selfish as that sounds, within me for me. People praise me for many reasons. I've learned to accept their words graciously and say "thank you." I don't honestly believe their intentions to the fullest. So many times I've said I wished there was a mirror that someone could stand me in front of and say "see?????" so that I could physically see what they see. How am I to believe them if my own mother didn't see it? She died not knowing me, not knowing who I was... other than her greatest disappointment.

In living my life, I've half-way understood that I am not the bad person she thought I was. I have never been the weakling that could be led with a crook of a finger into things that I knew were not good for me. Yet, whenever "I got into trouble" with my friends, it was never through my instigation. It was always the bad influences I hung around with. If she only knew!! Most of the time it was me that had thought of something clean and fun to do... not filthy and twisted like she always accused me of.

Ahh... "somewhere," you've started something. Enough for now, if you don't mind. This is a deep, dark secret I've been guarding with my life for all my life. "Whoda thunk" I'd be spilling my guts to you. LOL I thought we were going to engage in lively discussions on "semantics" like "balance" and the like. Well... we'll see where this takes us... if it does.

Thanks so much for your courage and heart to address yourself to me in this way. I truly do appreciate it.

<font color=blue>This above all: To thine own self be true. --Shakespeare</font color=blue>