Apologies in advance for how fragmented this may all come out. And, also, TW for the content - nothing graphic, I promise.

I wasn't expecting to go into therapy tonight and tell C I'd recovered any memories - let alone any sexually explicit memories - let alone (again) ones from childhood. I'm shaky at the moment, really. And desperately hoping he responds to the email I already sent him in the midst of my shame storm.

These memories are from the 10 year old. I mean, from me...when I was 10. They aren't necessarily new memories - it's just I never really recognized them as what they were. That sounds really ridiculous...I have spent years in therapy. I know what sex is. I know what "something's not right" sexual things are. And yet, I never connected the dots.

I cannot even begin to explain the state I was in in therapy (mentally/parts-wise speaking or whatever...I really don't know. I don't know.) I wish C could've helped me figure it out, but maybe it didn't matter. He did bring up his "d-word feelings" saying that he was feeling them, but didn't elaborate on what that meant, because I was seriously right on the edge and basically sending a million "please don't say anything kind" signals. I couldn't connect with myself - at all. I hurt, but my head was silent.

My feelings were inaccessible. Everything felt unreal ...disconnected... wrong. And, yet, I didn't get frustrated and angry like I thought I would. 13 is good at coming out full force in moments like that -- when words aren't working. But, no 13. No anger at all. No connection between any parts, no discussion, no weighing in, I couldn't tell who I was other than not me - 10, 6...I don't know.

I told C about some of the ages - I hadn't told him about that - that some of the parts have ages. I rambled a lot...

I want C...

I don't see him again til Friday, and it feels impossible to breathe. I need C. I need him to email me back, and I know he eventually will, but I need him now.