Late last year I started the home buying process which ended up so stressful. The only reason I have survived is I have an amazing realtor that can put up with me.

It has made my anxiety and depression worse for many reasons. One, buying something that is a quarter of a million dollars is scary. It is worth a bit more than that and I am getting a good deal. An 8 year old 2200 sq foot house with no significant issues, and it is a sellers market so I actually got lucky for once in my life. I know I can afford it, the payments are barely more than my current rent but I have just felt dark inside, I can't explain it properly. Doom and dread. I have nightmares and anxiety attacks. Maybe things will improve when it closes in a few weeks.

What is worse and I feel like an idiot even thinking about it is that I will really miss my realtor. I have no illusions that our relationship is anything but professional so luckily it is not that serious of an issue. I am very content and actually enjoy being alone, well used to. Months of looking for houses with her and I have spent a lot of time on that and even just talking about other stuff have made me fear when it closes.

What is worse is that I get severely depressed after coming back home after working with her. What is that about?

She tells me she is here for me for life but I really wish we could be friends. That would be amazing even if we just talked once or twice a year. But, knowing this is nearing the end has made me feel very lonely which is not healthy. I used to never feel lonely even if I went years not talking to or going out with anyone except family members.

Now I do and that sucks! I am an ugly, horrible loser and not deserving of friends and need to find a way to get rid of these feelings. I am not sure if there is a real question in my rant, but thanks for reading.