Hello. I am new and in of venting outward to no one that knows me or my boyfriend.

I have been with him 9 months. He was upfront when we met and told me he uses steroids for the past several years.

I told him everything little thing about me when we met, the good, and all the bad.

I wanted him to know what he was getting into and if what he heard and didn't like he could go.

Well, that has not backfired on me and caused many blowups and him raging on me.

I told me to stop talking to a coworker because the coworker was using me to spill their troubles with their marriage and was having an affair. I told my boyfriend this and he didn't like it one bit and told me to tell coworker to stop.

I have confrontations and just thought if I ignored coworker then the talks would stop but one night at work he started telling me all of his stuff again and then texted me late night saying thank you for listening.

my boyfriend blew up and said I lied to him as I never stood up to coworker and that I am a liar.

Also, I did something stupid before meeting my boyfriend and told him about it too...

now, I don want to go into detail but every so often my boyfriend goes into these fits and calls me nasty names. But the past few weeks have been the worst and he has raised his hands towards me which left me frightened at heck.

aslo he threw my phone and smashed it but bought me a new one and said I made him do that.

We were driving home from a trip there other day and he brought something up that made him rage and he threw is ice coffee at me while in the passenger seat...

I have been diagnosed panic disorder 7 yrs ago. I have no self esteem and have been in some crappy relationships where the guys were all about themselves.

This boyfriend has put me first, tries his best to do whatever he can for me, but I don't ask a thing except a ride here or there as I fear driving highways.

I know I'm not perfect but I never have went out of my way to hurt him or disrespect him.....

Im afraid to go into detail about things as I am afraid that is he found this out that he would rage out again and so afraid it will be more than throwing things.

He told me that I am the worst girlfriend ever, that I am useless to talk to. when he gets aggressively mad asking me questions I try to explain myself to which he replies I just have one excuse after another and to shut up.

We are not talking at the moment and he took his house key off of my car key chain...im relieved that he did that. I feel that we have no ties now. Nothing to see one another for...I would have broken up with him but so afraid he would come to my home and kick my door in...as he has threatened that in the past..

I know this is abusive. I know how awful this must sound. But I am curious to know if anyone has dealt with a boyfriend on steroids...

when he is good he is really good.. but he gets triggered like my ex saw me the other day and stopped to say hi and gave me a hug...I told my boyfriend about it as it made me uncomfortable but my boyfriend flew off the handle yelling at me and raised his hand at me...I said you going to slap me he said he wanted to but would never.....saddest part is I really like him...when he is treating me like Im the only lady in the world for him....but I have been reading about abuse and steroid abuse....and am so sad right now....I just needed to get this out there....make it real rather than keep it in my head. Thank you for reading.