Some of your stories from the past rang a bell: #metoo.
Now I also wonder if I might be dissociating mildly from 'reality'. My perceptual system is disturbed a lot more than when i was younger. I've had psychoses and bouts with high doses of medications and chemotherapy too so my brain has been 'shattered into a million pieces' more than once and now I am just tired of making decisions and my energy level in the brain is so low,

I do miss the energy of youth, but now if I show any energy at all everyone around me thinks I'm walking down the road to hypomania again. Is that paranoid or reality?

Anyway Peaches, just to say, you are not alone in this way of being.