It's been rough today, but unable to sleep.
When laying there I was thinking of this topic, making a bad situation grand.

I've been fighting with myself about going to my sister's funeral or not, it's next week.

I'm able to get time off (I'm already taking off time this week for grieving).

At the time I asked for these days I didn't know for certain the service date.
I was sure to stay with this decision of not changing anything for this week, because I need this time and really accepted this.

Part of trying to make a horrible situation as good Is the thoughts of- simply going to the funeral-
me thinking I am stable enough to go to the funeral.

that IF drama breaks out, that I can handle it.... Or if not, it's the "message" a self needs to validate on why I as a whole stays distant with my blood relatives.
That future self will give a "me" a pat on the back, even if I have a break down- because I got through it (in away pot myself in a situation where I may ret-traumatize myself and 'come out stronger').

The facts:
Nothing is really known till it happens. No one knows the future.

Perhaps people have changed, but how this all was handled screams past issues are still hot-for me at least. Which is an indicator, that I am not stable enough for this,

and that's ok- I may spend my whole life healing; but that doesn't mean to put myself back into a bad situation to try to make it as best as I can

That's my thoughts right now. Thanks everyone, sorry I'm so all over the place lately.