the confusing with those who knew me wasnt because I was acting different than how I felt. it was because I would be saying and doing things how i felt and wanted to do then I would encounter a trigger that would make me feel numb, spaced out and disconnected and an alter who took care of that would take control and the alter would be doing things according to her own sense of agency...

example before integration i would say I really like this movie, that actor did a great job, then encounter a trigger and an alter in control would hear my friend say so you think it was great how that actor did this? and my alter would say oh no I dont think he did good on that part of the movie but I did enjoy this actress and scene. and my friend would say wait a minute didnt you just say this and that about that actress, and another alter who's sense of agency was to take care of conflict would take control and say something like sorry to confuse you I just changed my mind. and my friend was back to understanding me and the conversation again...

maybe there is someone inside you that has the sense of agency to make sure things run smoothly in you. maybe you can ask inside and ask them to help a bit more.