Some days it’s just too much. Today I figured out something about my T and now I have reason to believe she has been acting unethical and it’s causing me a lot of pain. Obviously I can’t knkw for certain, but my deepest fear is that she’s sleeping with another client. I feel crazy... because I know how crazy that must sound coming from someone with such messed up attachment issues. I want to run away from her, but sometimes that just feels like too much so I pretend to forget everything and just keep going, as if no rupture or painful interaction ever occurred. However, no matter how hard I try to “lock” my feelings up, they still creep up until they totally overwhelm me once again. I feel like I am forever going to be attached to her, always unsure of whether she’s even an ethical therapist. She deflects things back to me, so it’s easy to believe I’m the crazy one. For the most part, that has always been my strategy with her, but deep down, I feel uncertain. I feel lost and like I can’t even trust myself... My only options are to trust her, but my doubts are becoming stronger and I don’t know how to keep faking it anymore. I don’t trust her, I just want to run away. But I don’t know how, because what if I’m wrong?

Not sure what I’m needing from posting this. I think I needed to just vent for a moment.