Thank you all for your responses.

Today wasn't so bad after all. I was granted a reprieve from seeing her. Her Mom called me at around 12:30 to tell me they had to leave early to pick up her son who is again sick. Yeah me and her Mom still talk, not a word from her still, nadda. Man it's so confusing and this is about the cruelest thing she can do whether she knows it or not - leave me to ask myself endlessly, "What did I do wrong", and then guess at the answer.

I dealt really badly with my two days off and Perna, I really wish I had taken your advice. I literally did not set foot out of my house for those two days. It's another fine piece of confusion why too. I'm actually scared to leave my house because I am scared of coming back. I don't want to go out and be around people and then deal with the fact that I have to go back to my lonely house and have my mind set to cannibalize itself again all night.

I did get some good news though. Out of the blue, an old friend who i used to work for years ago called me and offered me a second job. I use to frame houses for him (was a good job til the residential construction fell out a few years ago) and he called me and told me he had a side job redoing a deck and stairs for someone but as he tore away the old one he found rot and all sorts of damage that he had to repair. He's only been able to work on it two days a week and now he doesn't think he can be done in time so he'd like my help.

This really couldn't have come at a better time for me. I'm such an insomniac and I really am addicted to work. The more I can work the better, keeps my mind off things and often I find that by the time I am able to look up at my problems they are long gone. Probably not a healthy approach but I do still plan on going to the psych on the 6th (hard to maintain my resolve on it though I admit).

Also I come to find out my two bosses are on the chopping block (another manager informed me as we comiserated about their ineptitude ;p). Apparently that's why me and a friend at work are being groomed to do the administrative work. I really feel bad for the sous chef and feel he got caught up in the exec's failures unfairly. He has a wife and two kids and just moved here from half way across the country just for this job. Bought a house and two new cars too. He's a good and caring man, can't cook to save his life but still a good man. I will feel bad if he gets fired and I will stand up for him and speak to the GM on his behalf.

The exec is a functioning alcoholic and a drug addict. He has blamed me for things that happened on my days off and I don't hold a high opinion of him for that reason. Still, if he loses his job and insurance I'm afraid he could be in serious trouble. I'm not sure how to handle that situation.

Also I've offered to volunteer at a soup kitchen for shut ins on Wednesday night. I want to try and help them to fix more nutritous (lot of diabetics and hepertensives around this area) and better tasting meals with in their budget. Because really, the food I saw them make was an atrocity ! I figure thinking about someone elses problems may be a better use of my time than failing miserably at figuring out my own.

As far as her? Yeah, I'm like that. My Mom is really the only person I talk to but I can't really talk to her about my problems, just listen to hers, which is fine but in matters like this? I'm just terrible with them. She knows my history though and because of it she despises any woman who comes into my life. I actually did tell my Mom about her and her Son. Her exact words, "You are making the next big mistake of your life." That's pretty harsh. So I haven't really mentioned much more about it.

It's getting tough waiting for the right woman though. I'm 29 now, I know that won't seem old to most but really, I hear that clock ticking, loudly. At this point my child would be going to college as I close in on 50! I kinda had aspirations of being at my grand children's graduations at least. Yeah, I think about this stuff. Also i am the youngest male of my family, my entire family, and still without another male generation. I'm 29, I'm the youngest, you see what I'm saying? My brother had a son who passed away shortly before he turned one (it was soul crushing for him and all of us really, my Brother is the best man I've ever known). They have also lost another daughter and their first born who turns 16 in a couple weeks has severe downs and autism. They are scared to death to try again. They had a healthy, and the happiest , little girl I ever met two and a half years ago and they are content with that. I'm very happy for them but I feel that pressure falls to me now. I'm fine to take it (oh GOD don't get me started on my fear of raising a child) but I kinda need a partner here ya know?

Well, I suppose tomorrow is gonna be doomsday. It's not so much that I'm scared but that I have no clue what to expect. Will she avoid eye contact with me, not even speak a word to me? Will she act as though nothing ever happened between us? Not exactly expecting her to catch me in the walk in to kiss me anymore.

I need to talk to her but I don't know that's even possible anymore, and I still don't know why. Man this was the worst thing that could have happened. I don't know why I let myself do this.

I can understand how she feels after what she's been through with this last guy (the only guy she'd ever been with). Did I give off some sign that I was disloyal though? Maybe I told her I had to go to bed too quickly one night? Maybe offering to help her pay her bills was too much? The flowers? But who wouldn't bring someone in the hospital flowers? I don't know. She's the only one who could really answer this. In the midst of her illness and dealing with her Son's illness I can't persue it with her though. I just have to find peace with it myself and if it takes me finding a new job then so be it. I don't really want to deal with the drama unfolding at my main job right now anyway.

Well, let's see how tomorrow unfolds. It's promising to be a busy night again with a plated banquet and a fairly full house so far with our Wine and Dine offer (entrees matched to specific wines - I have no expertise in this area, most wine tastes to me like feet smell ). Somehow or another I have to pull myself together again for tomorrow. It sucks but really, my best option to be worth a damn the next day is to not sleep again. Oh man, balancing it all on the head of a pin again whether I wanted to or not.

I'll check back in tomorrow.