That was a really hard session. I sort of knew that it would be. R arrived and immediately commented that it felt like a long time since she had seen me.
‘Likewise –Sunday night into Monday morning was really difficult, and I’m not sure why. I’m used to it being emotionally intense but not physically painful. The only difference I can think of is that I skipped my meditation. That’s only 3 minutes. Two hours of it but two hours is enough when you are in that situation.’
‘Definitely.’
‘My chest and my shoulders were really hurting. It was still with me on Monday, so I made another collage.’
‘I’d like to reflect that back to you, on one hand you say you were overwhelmed but you made this and you are dealing with it.’
‘Can you help me understand what it is like for you when you are in that bubble? I don’t mean to sound dismissive but that is how I imagine it –and it is just you in there.’
‘It starts with “She called me into the bathroom…”’ I reached for R’s hand.
‘It starts with “She called me into the bathroom and then collapsed” and goes on from there.’
‘You’ve told me before that it is like a movie. Do you actually see her in the bathroom?’
‘And I feel the anxiety, the futility and the sense of not being able to do anything.’
‘But at the time that it was happening?’
‘At the time that it was happening, I didn’t know what to feel so I didn’t feel anything.’

‘Exactly. It’s “She called me into the bathroom” and the rest of that week....I had no right to that information. With Chris' death, it was all respectful.'
'I sense some anger there, or maybe I'm feeling it on your behalf. You have that experience to compare it to.'
‘Is there a possibility that what you’re imagining might be worse than what actually happened? From what I know of you as somebody who actively avoids medical things that sounds like your worst nightmare.’
‘Yes, absolutely –and the nightly repeat performance isn’t contributing to any kind of release, which needs to happen. Knowing me, it isn’t going to be an explosive thing, but something needs to happen.’
‘I feel as though you’re talking to yourself there.’ R gave me a 5 minute warning and I let go of her hand.
‘When I’m in that space, I feel for all the world as though I’m going to fall apart.’
‘By fall apart, do you mean cry?’
‘Yes. There are different kinds of safety, and yet here I am in the one space where I can… Away from ‘You are free to put this down, you know.’’
‘It’s not that easy.’
R then asked how I was feeling –I replied that I was feeling lighter and that it had been good to get Sunday out of my system.